Cameron was supposed to open six new classrooms at Northern House School in Oxford yesterday. However, when it came to the ribbon-cutting ceremony, eight-year-old Cian Simmons held on to the scissors, spoke to Cameron and proceeded to cut the ribbon himself, leaving Cameron to explain sheepishly: “They haven’t given me the scissors because we don’t want any more cuts.”
Three cheers for Cian.
Don’t care if this story is true, it rules anyway.
There’s hope for the future.
Yes, David Cameron is a lizard. A lizard that devours live foals in its lair. And as far as Archer is concerned, it’s perfectly fine for this limbless, non-human, Cameron-reptile-beast-thing to squirm across the stone floor of its den merrily excreting the bones of its victims, yet I’m “depraved” simply for writing about it. This is the tragedy of the Modern Right. They’re idiots.
Well, let me spell it out: You cannot dehumanise a lizard. Not without humanising it first, by giving it a little top hat, say, or a monocle. Maybe put some lipstick on it. And a wig. Teach it to walk sexy. That’s the way. Now confess: you already feel like getting to base three with the thing. But don’t! It’s still just a creature.
But that’s a standard lizard we’re talking about. Sadly Cameron is no standard lizard. He can’t even be classified as a conventional reptile, because that would require him to have some kind of quantifiable earthly form – which, as a malevolent paranormal entity continually shifting between dimensions, he simply doesn’t have.
I know this sounds crazy. But don’t take my word for it. Last week I asked the online community if it had further proof of Cameron’s true nature. I was immediately inundated with terrifying eyewitness accounts.
Twitter enthusiast @djamesc wrote: “I went to school with Cameron. He used to curl up next to the radiator during lunch. He only ate once a week.”
Steve Hogarty said: “I once saw him behind a branch of Waitrose using both hands to squeeze a swollen pulsating neck gland (or ‘sac’) into a dustbin.”
Pianist Stephen Frizzle “witnessed Cameron slice off his finger whilst preparing vegetables, and it just grew back. No word of a lie.”
Rob Carmier from Brighton recalled that on the day the lift wasn’t working at the G8 summit, Cameron “merely climbed the glass exterior with flattened palms”.
Gareth James explained the recent hot weather was caused when Cameron “surrounded the UK with glass walls because he needs to live in a vivarium”.
While a few of Cameron’s lizard properties sound almost charming – as Betsy Martian pointed out: “if ever he thinks his backbenchers are conspiring against him, he can turn his head a full 180 degrees to check” – others are less attractive.
For instance Paul Yates recalled: “I went to a business lunch with Cameron once and he ordered spiders. We all laughed, but he just stared at us.”
This chilling behaviour was merely the tip of a deeply unsettling iceberg. Pete Strover encountered “a pack of feral dogs gathered in an underpass” which “barked Cameron’s name in unison”, Dave Probert “once saw Cameron vomit up his entire skeleton to avoid having to admit he doesn’t know where Wales is”, Tom Bain “saw Cameron put his entire hand through the hole in the middle of a CD”, while perhaps most damningly of all, Darren Smith said: “I heard he strips completely naked to have a shit.”